Child Sexual Abuse Through My Eyes

Abuse is Trendy

Sexual abuse is trending right now. Some of us have been sharing even when it was not popular. The rest have lived in silence. The problem with sexual abuse becoming “the in thing” is that is becomes common place and easily brushed aside because social media and blogs become saturated with the stories. With that said, I am so glad people are brave enough and willing to share their experiences from such a dark place. For most of my life, I was not brave but instead filled with shame. Once I started speaking out, even family became displeased and tried to discourage me from speaking in only a way that a family can…those small subtle things. I am certain that I will get further flack or estrangement from this blog. So be it…it is time to get real. No more shame or secrets for me.

 

Starting at the Roots

Let us start where the roots grew…family. I am 30 years deep into genealogical studies. Even with all the dates, documents, pictures you don’t know the real person. Fortunately, I have a few family members who are willing to share truth. Let’s look at some doors that were open in my family to allow my abuse to happen. Yes, you read that right. I believe strongly in generational curses (to the 3rd and 4th generation) and opening doors to demons.

 

Family

I had a great grandfather that was known as a womanizer. Back in the days of segregation, he impregnated a black woman and their child was put up for adoption. He stayed hidden away until Ancestry DNA uncovered the truth long after his death. Several of his sons were also known to be of the same character even down to his grandsons but their sins extended to incest. A cousin on that same blood line tried to assault me in my grandparent’s yard. My telling what happened only resulted in a dismissal of the event by my grandparent. It did not matter that he pinned me to a wall and tried to grope me and tell me what he wanted to do to me…the dismissal by my grandmother left me feeling like my childhood molester’s words were true and no one was going to believe me or stand up for me. It had become me against the world. I had to take care of myself!

Other sides of my family have homosexuality, pedophilia, and other sexual exploits.  So many doors were open… There are so many other things that seem possible, but I do not have proof of those, only assumptions.

 

My Sexual Abuse Story

I stated above that I had been assaulted by a cousin. My story started long before that event and continued well past that very same event. Let me start where it started.

I hid in the darkness behind my parent’s dresser with only the light of the hallway peeking in. I had my baby doll and a pen. I colored in the baby’s eyes and ears and mouth because I could not let her tell what she had just seen and heard. I was 4 and up to this point, innocent. I remember confronting my abuser, a family “friend”, and I remember him assuring me that he was invited by my parents, but I was not. If I told, my parents would kick me out. I quickly learned that the truth is a lie and a lie is the truth. I remember after this standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror and a little girl showed up. She was willing to help me. I agreed. From there my mind fractured and she took that pain from me. At that point forward, I became the liar and my character changed.

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In high school I became sexually active even though I was the daughter of a Pastor. I never blamed my parents. They raised me in the things of the Lord. Every event turned on a switch that could not be turned off until later in life when I began to seek healing from the Lord.

In high school, I became pregnant (that is a story for its own blog). I had my son but experienced a lot of hurt through the “church”. Again, another blog story. During this time, I was moved from the high school youth to the singles group. For Valentine’s the single’s group gave a party. A ride was arranged for me. (I want to make sure this point is clear) On the way home the man giving me the ride told me he had to swing by the store first because it was “on the way”. I didn’t mind. Next, he told me that he had to go by the church and pick something up. I was a little irritated but said ok. While there he kept coming up with things to do. He played a song, etc. Finally, he decided it was time to leave and he parked on the nursery side of the church which was the opposite side he had to pick up something from. We get just before the door and he stopped me. All that I remember is the exit light at the other end of the hall giving off light down the hallway as he began to try get me to have sex with him there in the building.  I tried pushing him off of me and finally was successful. Rape was a real fear in that moment. I draw a blank there, but I wound up at my house, so I assume he took me home. I told what happened and would up with the pastor’s wife informing me that “Well, you did just have a baby.” Say what? I was so filled with disdain for the church and people in positions of authority. Later this went before the deacons. I did not get to tell my side of the story, but I did get questioned by friends and a whole lot of rejection following the meeting. Again, I was taught that I was on my own and I had to take care of me. When all was said and done this man was allowed to stay in his position of authority as Music Minister.

 

Healing

Healing from the sexual abuse took years upon years but God was faithful. Healing from the hurt of others is taking a bit longer. I am just being honest. The rejection stings to this day especially where family is concerned. I still must intentionally choose to not put up walls and include myself in life. Even now wish that someone would have just wrapped their arms around me and told me that it will be ok. The truth is, it has turned out ok. I struggled for so long putting up walls in every event with family and friends and the church so that I would not have to be hurt even one more time. I was rude and snotty and difficult to be around. I am a much calmer person even though I can still be intense and struggle to fit in and let myself have fun. I just keep moving forward one step at a time.

Part of my healing included writing a book. VENGEANCE is loosely based on my experience. If you would like to order a book, you can find it on Amazon under VENGEANCE by Dana Harrell Ellis or click on the picture below to take you there.

God gets all the glory for my healing and integration. He took my fractured mind and put it all back together. He took a frightened little girl (me) and used her story to help others. My goal is to offer HOPE. There is healing! There is freedom! It is a process but if you are willing to put in some faith, you will see and feel the results of grace.

NOTE: These are the events as I see and remember them through my own mind’s eye and memories and perception.

 

Additional Links and Resources That I Recommend

My sweet friend, Donna & her husband David, works in this very area and has even helped me to integrate a part back within myself. I highly recommend their ministry as a place to seek Godly healing and freedom from minor abuses all the way through Satanic Ritual Abuse. David and Donna Carrico. Click the link below the video to go to their website.

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I Was A Liar

I learned at an early age that being a liar was going to keep me safe. What in the world do I mean by that? Allow me to share…

 

As Natural As Breathing

Even to this day, I don’t remember intentionally lying about things. I see now that lying was a safe guard and it became as natural as breathing. When I was 4 years old my molester assured me that I would be kicked out of my house if I told the truth. Therefore, I concluded that if I told a lie and covered the truth I could stay with my family. This would later be seal and confirmed, unknowingly, with the words of my parents, “What happens in this house stays in this house.”

Does that make any sense? To a four-year-old the whole event made no sense. I had no previous event to compare what happened with, so the adult’s word must be truth. To this day my dad will reference how much I lied. I realize now that lying meant that I was safe. However, that was not the reality of the situation at all.

 

When It Did Not Help

Sometimes lying was not my friend. I remember a friend in my 4th grade classroom was standing by the teacher’s desk and I saw him slip his hand up her skirt. This was a Christian school, so dresses were what we wore. I don’t remember how it all played out, but I told someone in the office about it. I do remember that I got in trouble for telling. As I recall, I was punished. As an adult my dad told me that they didn’t believe me because I lied a lot. No, unfortunately that was not a lie. But again, the seal was placed on my beliefs that telling the truth got me nowhere. It was the lies that kept me safe.

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Going Back

If I could go back now with the adult knowledge I have gained, I would tell that little me to be bold and speak up because Chester was a liar! His false words turned the life of a little girl upside down. Sometimes I feel like that little girl is lost to me forever.

 

Set Free

It was in Yeshua/Jesus that I found freedom in The Truth and telling the truth. Today it has become so important to me that I despise lies.  My healing has only come through Yeshua’s love and grace. The Ruach Hakodesh/Holy Spirit has been teaching me many things on the topic as I open myself up and listen. Praise Adonai that I have freedom from lying!

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More On The Topic

More on the topic of my sexual abuse by a family friend… Click the link to go there now. https://justcallmedana.wordpress.com/2017/11/18/child-sexual-abuse-through-my-eyes/

 

To Order My Book VENGEANCE

I also wrote a book called VENGEANCE based on my own story of childhood sexual abuse. To order your copy from Amazon, click on the picture below.

NOTE: The above events are my perception of things and memories as I remember them.

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Vengeance

You may have noticed that my blogs tend to be about things along the lines of molestation, sexual abuse, etc. Why do you think that might be? You probably guessed right. I had a personal experience of abuse from a family friend. During healing a story of a girl called Isabella began formulating in my brain. I sat down at the computer and typed out a line. I quickly realized that her story was going to be my story.

VENGEANCE is packed full of my own experiences through the eyes and actions and words of Isabella. I built it around an interesting time and included some cool places as my mind pictured the story that formed around pieces of my own world. It was a place for me to let loose and create, heal, reveal.

This is the promo video for my book VENGEANCE.

VENGEANCE can be found on AMAZON. Search VENGEANCE by Dana Harrell Ellis. Order your copy today and after you have read it, leave me a comment on your thoughts.

I want to talk about the healing process but I will save that for another blog post.

Visit Amazon by clicking on the image below. Once there…click on LOOK INSIDE to read Chapter 1 The Gun. Order your copy today!

Leave the Kids Alone

Let’s just start off by calling BULL CRAP on Joe Biden’s public service announcement. We all have eyes to see that he is a creepy old man. We can look at the videos and see him getting all worked up when children are around him? Don’t believe me? Lets have a look.

 

I wish the parents of these children would grow a backbone, look at what is going on, and pull their children away from this man. He is not an idol or someone who should receive your adoration. All I can think is that are these children being used as sex slaves in the political pedophile ring? I hope not. Dear Lord, I certainly hope not! But it happens. Parents trade in their children for position and power. This is nothing new. Parents have sacrificed their children since the very earliest ages. Why would we think it any different today? Today it is just hidden. Or is it? More and more is coming out. I believe that this announcement is a calculated move to take our eyes off of the deeper message. What is that? That everything is done not just in the name of power, position, money, but it is all rooted in the occult.

 

Cathy O’Brien and Brice Taylor are two brave women who have spoken out about sex slavery in politics, sports, music, acting…the list goes on and on. Take a few minutes and YouTube them if you are interested in learning more on the topic. They also have some great books out Trance Formation of America by Cathy O’Brien and Mark Phillips and Thanks for the Memories by Brice Taylor.

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NOTE: Graphic content. Not for children or teens or anyone who may be triggered by sexual abuse details.

 

Side Note: I am NOT saying that these parents sold their children. I am simply saying that it happens. Clearly, these children were uncomfortable and pulled away from Biden. My prayers are with them as well as all the children who were and are and will be abused.

Playing with the Mind

My topics of interest are many. I will cover one for now. Mind Control …

 

I am currently going through TRANCE Formation Of AmericaAn MK Ultra Mind Control Survivor Whistleblower’s True Story. By Cathy O’Brien and Mark Phillips. I am calling it a MUST READ for any TRUTHER. Many of us know these things are taking place. Trance Formation of America is packed with names and details that are sure to blow your mind and open your eyes.

 

“TRANCE Formation of America is the first documented autobiography of a victim of government mind control. Cathy O’Brien is a healed and vocal survivor of the Central Intelligence Agency’s MK-Ultra Project Monarch operation. Tracing her path from child pornography and recruitment into the program to serving as a top-level intelligence agent and White House sex slave, TRANCE Formation of America is a definitive eye-witness account of government corruption that implicates some of the most prominent figures in U.S. politics.”  Source: http://trance-formation.com/

 

Truth seekers want truth regardless of good or bad – Conspiracy theorists want conspiracy regardless of truth. ~Shaela

 

There’s one set of rules for us and another set for everybody else.  ~ former President Bill Clinton  2015

 

The only division is between those who are awake and those who have yet to awaken. ~ Cathy O’Brien

 

The greatest gift anyone can give is a good memory ~ Mark Phillips

RIP Mark Phillips, September 6, 2017.

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Mark & Cathy (Photo Credit-Image from their website)

 

You can find Cathy’s videos on YouTube.

 

If you have read the book, leave me a comment on your thoughts, favorite part, or new revelation.

Pen to Paper

Things usually come easy to me when I put pen to paper. The movie plays out in my head even before the ink strokes the page. However, while writing VENGEANCE I struggled off and on because some of the words were painful and cut deep into some wounds that had just begun to heal.

VENGEANCE is based loosely on my own story of molestation and healing by a family friend. Adonai has done some amazing things in my life. I got to see parts of his character that  would have never been revealed if I had not walked this road of healing.

As deep as the pain I held inside was…the healing reached even deeper. That would not have been possible without the love and grace of my Father, Adonai.

In VENGEANCE you find the story of Isabella and her journey to healing. Her journey ends where it starts…on and old dirt road.

To order your copy from Amazon, click on the image above.

Book Details:

Murder?  
Sex.  
Revenge.  
Dissociative identity disorder. 
Multiple personality disorder. 
Coming of age.  
Runaway.  
Redemption.  
Vengeance has it all and more. 
 
Read along with Isabella’s journey and find out what happens as we follow her through her very own words as well as looking in from the outside. Molestation changed her life but God restored it.  
 
Vengeance is mine says the Lord. You have to read how this one ends!
List Price: $7.65
6″ x 9″ (15.24 x 22.86 cm)
Black & White on Cream paper
54 pages
ISBN-13: 978-1539355526 (CreateSpace-Assigned)
ISBN-10: 1539355527
BISAC: Fiction / Christian / Short Stories

Get your copy today! It is an easy read that is full of exciting adventures.

CreateSpace Book Order Page

Or search VENGEANCE by Dana Ellis on Amazon!

Please feel free to leave a comment on the book after you read it.