Abuse is Trendy
Sexual abuse is trending right now. Some of us have been sharing even when it was not popular. The rest have lived in silence. The problem with sexual abuse becoming “the in thing” is that is becomes common place and easily brushed aside because social media and blogs become saturated with the stories. With that said, I am so glad people are brave enough and willing to share their experiences from such a dark place. For most of my life, I was not brave but instead filled with shame. Once I started speaking out, even family became displeased and tried to discourage me from speaking in only a way that a family can…those small subtle things. I am certain that I will get further flack or estrangement from this blog. So be it…it is time to get real. No more shame or secrets for me.
Starting at the Roots
Let us start where the roots grew…family. I am 30 years deep into genealogical studies. Even with all the dates, documents, pictures you don’t know the real person. Fortunately, I have a few family members who are willing to share truth. Let’s look at some doors that were open in my family to allow my abuse to happen. Yes, you read that right. I believe strongly in generational curses (to the 3rd and 4th generation) and opening doors to demons.
I had a great grandfather that was known as a womanizer. Back in the days of segregation, he impregnated a black woman and their child was put up for adoption. He stayed hidden away until Ancestry DNA uncovered the truth long after his death. Several of his sons were also known to be of the same character even down to his grandsons but their sins extended to incest. A cousin on that same blood line tried to assault me in my grandparent’s yard. My telling what happened only resulted in a dismissal of the event by my grandparent. It did not matter that he pinned me to a wall and tried to grope me and tell me what he wanted to do to me…the dismissal by my grandmother left me feeling like my childhood molester’s words were true and no one was going to believe me or stand up for me. It had become me against the world. I had to take care of myself!
Other sides of my family have homosexuality, pedophilia, and other sexual exploits. So many doors were open… There are so many other things that seem possible, but I do not have proof of those, only assumptions.
My Sexual Abuse Story
I stated above that I had been assaulted by a cousin. My story started long before that event and continued well past that very same event. Let me start where it started.
I hid in the darkness behind my parent’s dresser with only the light of the hallway peeking in. I had my baby doll and a pen. I colored in the baby’s eyes and ears and mouth because I could not let her tell what she had just seen and heard. I was 4 and up to this point, innocent. I remember confronting my abuser, a family “friend”, and I remember him assuring me that he was invited by my parents, but I was not. If I told, my parents would kick me out. I quickly learned that the truth is a lie and a lie is the truth. I remember after this standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror and a little girl showed up. She was willing to help me. I agreed. From there my mind fractured and she took that pain from me. At that point forward, I became the liar and my character changed.
In high school I became sexually active even though I was the daughter of a Pastor. I never blamed my parents. They raised me in the things of the Lord. Every event turned on a switch that could not be turned off until later in life when I began to seek healing from the Lord.
In high school, I became pregnant (that is a story for its own blog). I had my son but experienced a lot of hurt through the “church”. Again, another blog story. During this time, I was moved from the high school youth to the singles group. For Valentine’s the single’s group gave a party. A ride was arranged for me. (I want to make sure this point is clear) On the way home the man giving me the ride told me he had to swing by the store first because it was “on the way”. I didn’t mind. Next, he told me that he had to go by the church and pick something up. I was a little irritated but said ok. While there he kept coming up with things to do. He played a song, etc. Finally, he decided it was time to leave and he parked on the nursery side of the church which was the opposite side he had to pick up something from. We get just before the door and he stopped me. All that I remember is the exit light at the other end of the hall giving off light down the hallway as he began to try get me to have sex with him there in the building. I tried pushing him off of me and finally was successful. Rape was a real fear in that moment. I draw a blank there, but I wound up at my house, so I assume he took me home. I told what happened and would up with the pastor’s wife informing me that “Well, you did just have a baby.” Say what? I was so filled with disdain for the church and people in positions of authority. Later this went before the deacons. I did not get to tell my side of the story, but I did get questioned by friends and a whole lot of rejection following the meeting. Again, I was taught that I was on my own and I had to take care of me. When all was said and done this man was allowed to stay in his position of authority as Music Minister.
Healing from the sexual abuse took years upon years but God was faithful. Healing from the hurt of others is taking a bit longer. I am just being honest. The rejection stings to this day especially where family is concerned. I still must intentionally choose to not put up walls and include myself in life. Even now wish that someone would have just wrapped their arms around me and told me that it will be ok. The truth is, it has turned out ok. I struggled for so long putting up walls in every event with family and friends and the church so that I would not have to be hurt even one more time. I was rude and snotty and difficult to be around. I am a much calmer person even though I can still be intense and struggle to fit in and let myself have fun. I just keep moving forward one step at a time.
Part of my healing included writing a book. VENGEANCE is loosely based on my experience. If you would like to order a book, you can find it on Amazon under VENGEANCE by Dana Harrell Ellis or click on the picture below to take you there.
God gets all the glory for my healing and integration. He took my fractured mind and put it all back together. He took a frightened little girl (me) and used her story to help others. My goal is to offer HOPE. There is healing! There is freedom! It is a process but if you are willing to put in some faith, you will see and feel the results of grace.
NOTE: These are the events as I see and remember them through my own mind’s eye and memories and perception.
Additional Links and Resources That I Recommend
My sweet friend, Donna & her husband David, works in this very area and has even helped me to integrate a part back within myself. I highly recommend their ministry as a place to seek Godly healing and freedom from minor abuses all the way through Satanic Ritual Abuse. David and Donna Carrico. Click the link below the video to go to their website.