Inner Conflict – The Fear is Real
Fear! The panic of not knowing can swallow you. Do you open your heart and life? Is it safe? Is it beneficial? What if I don’t? What if I miss out on something that could be wonderful? What if? What if? What if? The fear is that surrounds each question is accompanied by the thought that I will make the wrong decision. I can’t see the future so there is no way to predict exactly what will happen.
What ifs and fear can consume you if you allow it to in any situation in life. This current conflict of what-ifs is unique to a set few…adoptive parents. Do we have an open adoption or closed? Each case is different. These are my thought on the topic based on my own personal situation and story.
My Personal Thoughts
Let me preface this by saying that I am a foster parent and all my experiences with birth mothers were mostly nightmares. For some reason, this mother had captured my heart fro the beginning and I didn’t even know her.
I did not get to meet our daughter’s birth mother until the day of court just before the adoption process began for us. I had no way of knowing how our meeting would go. I dreamed and envisioned how it would go but that was just in my head. Would it go that smooth? Would it be that beautiful moment I pictured and played out I my mind?
I remember the first moment I saw her. My heart skipped a beat or two. I stretched my neck in hopes that she would see me and maybe know who I was. I wanted to make eye contact and let her know that I cared. I had given a letter to her lawyer for her. I watched as she was handed the letter and again my heart raced. Would she read it? Would she even care? I watched with tears in my eyes as she signed the necessary paperwork that they then brought to us for our signatures. The moment came, and we finally made eye contact. She smiled and nodded to me. I asked if I could speak with her before court and her lawyer allowed it.
The first real meeting… I walked down the hallway as she walked out a side door. My eyes were welling with tears and all I wanted to do was get to her as fast as I could and wrap my arms around her. I could not even begin to imagine her pain. As I held her in my arms, I kept thinking that I hope she knew how much I cared about her. I made the effort to exude every ounce of compassion and love out of every pour of my being to her. At that moment, it was all about her and letting her feel the love I had for her. It was, to me, the most beautiful moment of mother and mother arm in arm crying together.
Open or Closed Adoption
For our family, the adoption would be open. You see, the Father had put a special compassion and love in my heart for the mother. I wanted to extend the Father’s love to her. I was given the ability to see her for who God created her to be. Where she was at in life at that moment and time was not my vision of her. In my prayers, I called her out as a mighty woman of God. This life experience would be her ministry.
Back to the fear. Even with all of this, the fear was still real! Did I make the right choice? What about her extended family? How would this play out? I still don’t have many answers and play it one day at a time. I do know, however, that this morning the Lord gave me a glimpse of arms extended, showing His love. Whatever and however that plays out, I will be obedient to my Father’s instruction.
I remember the “words” given to me over the years. They were always the same, “beautiful are the feet of those that bring the good news.” Ministry is not what we always think or envision it to be. Ministry is loving people. I understand that so much more in recent months and even days. Honestly, that still carries with it a healthy dose of fear. I am just being honest!
Our First Visit
This week we had our first visit with mom. Again, fear filled me. So many “what ifs” played over and over in my head like a recording set on auto rewind. It was a beautiful visit/early birthday celebration for our little miss. Everyone had fun, talked, and laughed.
The photos are used with bio mom’s permission.
Getting some sweet hugs.
Me and the bio mom (aka Mommy #1) A new piece of my heart. I am Momma Bear protective of her!
Is This For You
As I stated above, each case will be different. I suggest covering your decision in prayer. If you are a Christian or Believer, would it be your calling to reach the parent as well? Prayerfully ask. Consider the impact you could have on just one person…or the family…or the friends. What if one person really was reaching 100s of people? What if this was God’s purpose all along?
NOTE: Kindly keep all comments considerate.
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©Dana Ellis www.dana-ellis.com
Photo by Dana Ellis
This is a personal weblog. The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer.
In addition, my thoughts and opinions change from time to time…I consider this a necessary consequence of having an open mind. This weblog is intended to provide a semi-permanent point in time snapshot and manifestation of the various memes running around my brain, and as such any thoughts and opinions expressed within out-of-date posts may not the same, nor even similar, to those I may hold today.